Shoes.

I don’t like to spend money, and if I do, I would rather buy things for others than myself. I can struggle with being kind to myself. I don’t feel deserving of nice or special things.

Today I bought a pair of running shoes. Real running shoes. Not clearance from a generic store, but ones with cushion and support….This is huge for me.

It’s me saying I am working hard, this is one of my hobbies, I need to take care of my body, I deserve a good pair of shoes.

How many times do we feel unworthy? Not good enough? Not worth it? I can tell you easily, I have had one of those thoughts in my head dozens of times a week (sometimes a day)! … everyday can be a struggle sometimes.

Florence and the Machine has a song called Shake it out… one of the lyrics that’s been running through my head the past few days is:

“And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off…..”

I’ve let that mean little shit control way too much of my mindset… so today, I’m dancing (or running 😊) with the devil off my back.

If you struggle with realizing who you are, that you are deserving and worthy… my hope is you too can shake him off and do something to love yourself. 

Teamwork makes the Dream Work

 

This is a dad that came home from a 12 hour midnight shift back in May, slept two hours, got up and did housework. Then made dinner when I got home 12 hours later, so that I could put my feet up and read with my littles.

This is almost 12 years in, still best friends, talking about our days, our struggles, and need for another date night because while we may physically be around each other, we haven’t mentally unplugged and emotionally made time.

This is life with my guy. Our marriage isn’t perfect- we are human, we can unintentionally hurt one another with words or actions, but we get in the trenches and we work at it. Both of us. We sacrifice, we love hard, and we work hard.

This is me just saying thanks to my husband for being my guy. My support system, an amazing teammate in this parenting gig, my roommate that deals with my OCD tendencies, but most of all, my best friend.

My Why.

In the different seasons of life growing up: high school, college, young newlywed, I struggled with loneliness, depression, and was suicidal. I was verbally and emotionally abused on a regular basis, and I did it to myself ALL the time too.
(*Insert awkward cough*) This is my story…..
BEFORE June 2017: Very skeptical, introverted person, that has never had much for self-esteem or belief that I can do much of anything. Awful attitude right?
I have always loved others HARD, but I have always hated myself. I kept everything inside, and never really had a community that TRULY KNEW me, growing pains and all.
June 2017: I had just wrapped up another year as a Special Ed. Teacher, was teaching summer school, managing a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old at home, and I was bitter. I was angry. I was anxious.
My husband has a quiet nature, and has been my biggest support system. He’s my best friend. But I resented him for a long time. He had friends, a social butterfly… He had hobbies. LOTS of hobbies. He would go do his thing, and I would sit back at home, frustrated, sad, and feeling very alone.
Then, one day…
A friend reached out to me about doing a group workout with her.
It’s from home, it’s cheap! It’s on my time, It doesn’t take away from my kids, Its healthy. It’s a way to get to know others, without going out in public (yup…I thought this (remember..introvert…)
I thought….I don’t have anything to lose…
I LOST. A LOT.
* I lost the mentality that I was worthless.
* I lost the belief that others didn’t care about me.
* I lost the feeling to let food control my emotions.
* I lost the wall that I had created between me and others.
* I lost the need to let others opinions of me determine who I was.
* I lost sadness, pain, anger, and bitterness that had been festering for DECADES inside.
* I lost the resentment I had towards my best friend.
* I lost the need to take medications to treat my mental health.
* I lost weight.
I GAINED:
* Self-esteem
* a stronger relationship with my husband.
* a renewed faith
* MUSCLE! YEAHH!!
* A sense of humor, towards myself, towards life
* A hobby that I absolutely loved
* ENERGY! To keep up with my beautiful boys.
* Accountability
* An even stronger love to help others on their life journey
*The desire to be more open about my story, because it turns out there are a LOT of others that struggle with the very same things I did.
* A community filled with open, beautiful, like minded mama’s (both kid and fur mama’s ;)) that have been some of the deepest and truest friendships I’ve ever had.
Do NOT get me wrong. I struggle still with sadness. I wake up some days and don’t feel like being around others, working out, or trying to smile, when all I want to do is scream.
But here’s the difference:
*****I take one step at a time. I TRY.
**** I DO NOT make excuses.
***** I recognize on a DAILY basis, that in order to help others, I have to make time for myself too. Even if it’s 30 minutes.
***I know that I am fueling my body right, with healthy eating habits, knowing that I can treat myself, and that wheels will NOT fall off if I decide to go have a couple glasses of wine and eat some chocolate.
** I strive for PROGRESS, not Perfection.
By getting into “The Netflix of workouts” my health, physical, AND mental, has been the best it’s ever been. Completely honest.
How did it get this way?
-workouts
-accountability groups
-learning about personal development
-nutrition superfoods
I’ve taken on the role as a health and wellness coach, in January 2018 so that I can encourage, motivate, and hopefully remind others that are like minded, that this life is meant to be lived with JOY, LOVE, and PURPOSE.
*If you’ve made it this far in my post, thank you for reading. My hope is that you know you are NOT alone, that YOU can do GREAT things.
Just take that step. Away from comfort. Into one big, beautiful adventure.