Sit in sadness, Stand with Love

Our last walk together.

So many things to say, and yet speechless. Words I can’t put together to express the weight.
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Weight of loss, and so much love.
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The silence in this house, without his presence, is deafening. His middle of the night footsteps on the floor, checking on the boys, coming to rest at the end of our bed. His howling. His excitement in the morning to go outside, tail moving wildly, his body trying desperately to keep up. All of this, gone.
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Otis and Vixie, our other 2 dogs, keep checking the front door, waiting to see him. They don’t know what life is like without Eddie, and to be honest, I’m feeling the same. 14 years.
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He was the first being I took care of. As a young, newly married, student teacher. I brought him home to our 1 bedroom 1 bath apartment. Micah, me, and Eddie.
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Looking back now, Eddie and I had a lot in common. Both needing love and attention, both learning how to cope with anxiety, both loving car rides and walks in sunshine. Both needing one another to get through some of our messy past. He was not just my first fur kid, he was my first therapist. He carried a lot for me, for a long time.
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I know that this grief will sit for awhile. My eyes will feel heavy, I will wake up in the middle of the night at a loss. And eventually, with time, I’ll be able to sleep. I’ll be able to reflect with gratitude. But today, I’m just sad. And it is ok.
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This year, death has taken 6 of our family members, 1 beloved student, and now my first pup. But it won’t take my love. It won’t take my appreciation for those beings. It won’t win.
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Today I choose to sit with sadness, but in the end, I’ll stand with love.

And I know Eddie is beside me.