Late night tears.

I had no idea it’d be this hard. I didn’t know the emotions that would come with it.

Here I am sitting on the couch, just after tucking the boys to bed, with tears rolling down my eyes.

Tears of gratitude that I get to be their mom.

Tears of sadness that time seems to be slipping away. Calvin’s starting kindergarten. When did he get old enough for that?

Tears that Miles is speaking full sentences, his voice changing. He’s not so little anymore.

Just as I’m trying to talk myself out of crying, Miles jumps out of his bed and comes running over asking for a hug (we are still sharing a living and bedroom space in the basement, while the upstairs gets renovated).

“Sure buddy”.

He squeezes my neck and rubs his chubby cheeks against mine, with a whisper in my ear.

“Momma, you’re the best hugger ever”.

Damn it. Release the floodgates.

“Thanks buddy, but I think you’re the best hugger ever”.

Then Calvin gets out of bed, comes over and says “Love you Mom, can I have one more hug too?”

I am sure they are just killing time so bedtime gets pushed a later, but I’d rather think that they knew mommas heart needed it.

I know there are so many things to be excited about, as they grow, I’ve witnessed so many already. I truly am excited for what’s to come for them both.

Yet, it’s hard to say goodbye to these tender young moments. It’s hard to realize just how quick they grow. When you’re with them, deep in the trenches day in and day out, you don’t notice. Then one day passes, and your kid isn’t fitting in his clothes anymore and looks (and acts) years older after a haircut.

People say from the beginning “It goes quick”. I had no idea. The days felt long, nights even longer when they were babies. I would be excited for their next milestones. Now I just want to hit pause.

But life doesn’t work that way.

So I cry a little, I get hugs from my favorite little men, and I sit in all the feelings. I soak them in, and I smile with the realization that it’s only the beginning.

Guess I should stock up on the Kleenex. ❤️

I’m still on training wheels..

My son was learning to ride his bike without training wheels this week. After five minutes he had it, and was so proud.

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Fast forward a day, and he insisted on going to a park to ride. I kept saying things to him like “buddy, just keep your eyes forward”. Every time his eyes veered he fell. He looked for me, watched others, and fell off his bike. Every time.He grew upset with each tumble, and tried to quit halfway through. I wouldn’t let him.

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“We’re going to do the whole loop bud, you got this, stop worrying so much and just ride”.

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Metaphor for life? Sure felt like it to me at the time. We spend so much time worried about falling, watching others do well, or just watch others watching us, that we only grow more insecure and frustrated with each of our falls. We just want to quit so no one sees us stumble. I’m 35, and evidently still on training wheels myself. Not wanting others to see my imperfections.

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Yesterday I stumbled when I was doing my daily workout. My health hasn’t been stellar with joint pain and feet going numb when I’m physically active. It’s an ongoing issue that has been getting worse with age. It disappears for months and then rears it’s ugly head.

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Usually I may quit, or hide it and not share it with anyone. I chose to share. Easy? Nope. Embarrassed? A little. Truth? We all fall, we all struggle.

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What if we all took off the training wheels? Practice, fall, get back up? What if we learn to let go of our insecurities and realize that we are human. These same difficulties, can bring us to know, love, and encourage others who also stumble.

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In sharing your struggles you are stronger. Find peace with your imperfections, humor in the moment, and encouragement within community.

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#ichoosejoy #momstrong #innerstrength #tryingtofindmypeace #hiddenillness #loveyourtribe #teacheronbreak #alwayslearningalwaysgrowing #youcandohardthings #mommaofboys