I thought I had it under control.
- I haven’t showered in a week.
- I’ve been on a cleaning binge. Cleaning out, cleaning up, not sitting still for even a moment.
- I have forgotten to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- I slept for two hours in the middle of the day, and woke up at 5pm thinking I could keep sleeping through the night.
- During the week, I go to bed at 9 and by 2am I am wide awake.
I thought about this as I drove in on my weekly Saturday night solo grocery shopping trip.
I didn’t start talking to anyone about my anxiety until I was in college. After I found my faith (that’s a post for another day), I realized I needed some help and I needed an “outsider” (ie: therapist) to help me. I went for a couple of months, and had reassurance that it was real.
I take medication for it. I am not ashamed of that.
Lately I have had a lot going on that has been out of my control. I’ve had physical health challenges that don’t have answers, but do come with a lot of pain. I’ve had work challenges that I can’t make better by the snap of a finger. I have mom guilt for not being “present” enough when I get home from a full day in the classroom.
So my anxiety has kicked in. My personal care for myself has spiraled. I forget to take showers, to eat, and focus on trying to fix things around me. I want to be a fixer.
My physical pain is something I’ve been told “is all in my head” by a doctor over 12 years ago, and it haunts me everyday that I am in pain. When new health challenges present themselves, his voice tells me “it’s not real, you’re making it up”.
My mom guilt is my inner mean girl kicking in telling me I’m not good enough for Calvin and Miles. Miles attitude is because I am getting weak (got forbid it might actually be because he’s a 2 year old), that Calvin is getting anxiety and easily panicking because I’ve taught him to be that way….
So last night as I drove in to go grocery shopping. I checked my recent habits. I realized what was happening. I got groceries. I got home. I took a shower, I ate a dinner at 10pm. I talked. I talked to my supportive, encouraging, and loving fella. Who listened. Who offered advice.
This week I’ve set some goals:
- I have an appointment to continue to figure out what’s going on with the pain in my body.
- I’m going to talk to my doctor to see if starting therapy back up might be a good idea to manage my anxiety.
- I will get my meals ready for the week, and set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to eat during the day.
- I will exercise, and if my pain it unbearable that day, I will stretch or take a walk.
- I will talk to someone if it gets bad. Instead of picking up a rag and cleaning, I will talk. As much as I don’t want to, I know it’s what’s best.
This isn’t something to be ashamed of. I know that now. It’s taken years, but I know it now. So if someone you know, is seeming distant, talk to them. Listen to them.
It its you….check your habits. Talk to a loved one, or, talk to a therapist. It will get better. It isn’t an easy fix, it’s always a work in progress. But don’t give up on yourself.